My life is fun and juicy! I have people that love me and care about my welfare, which is the truest wealth I have ever experienced. I know what I enjoy and pamper myself with as much self care and self adoration as possible. I allow myself to believe and hope for all dreams and desires to come to me. I do Law of Attraction meditations, read prolifically as to keep my worldview ever expansive, and sometimes plain out beg and barter with any higher powers that be to make things even more awesome, in my opinion. I love my life while desiring ever more fulfillment. There is so much pleasure and joy in my life and limitless room for more, more, more. I get that and celebrate such flourishing. But there is another side too, and that is the terror and despair. I want to discuss that now. Writing this scares me, and I am half tempted to type under my desk as though I were hiding from velociraptors. You should know reading this, you are going to be privy to my deep, dark secrets. Enjoy!
Before I go on, it practically takes the power of a goddess to get me to out myself in this way. Her name is Bernadette Pleasant. I want to let you know this post is part of the Emotions in Motion Blog Tour, which I am very pleased and honored to be a part of along with other women bloggers, excelling in both expressive and emotional explorations. The other blog posts have some amazing things to say about regret, jealousy, courage, and power. You can see more at:
So in focusing on what I want, what pleases me, what lights me up, it's not always lollypops and rainbows. My secret? It seems when something amazing is about to happen, those things I've envisioned, prayed for, dreamed of, meditated on (you name it, I've done it), I often suffer immediately after from anxiety-inducing hide-under-the-bed-and-never-leave debilitating terror. It's like right before Santa Claus comes, the boogeyman slobbers all over me, and robs me the joy of Christmas morning. Hell, at that point, I kind of give up any anticipation of the pretty packages wrapped in string. I feel successful if I just get out of bed. That's the fear for you, and it's really, really strong. I know the saying that courage is not the absence of fear but moving through it, but some fear is so big, it feels there is no moving through it. I am TERRORIZED! But that's a secret because I'm also on a high pleasure, high positivity energetic diet, so it doesn't seem it should be this way at all.
I want to tell you about my terror, because it's taken me years even to hold myself still enough to actually observe it as it runs through my body. I feel my heart race, my breathe quicken, and the hyper-aware state of fight-or-flight take over. I'm physically ready to kill, swiftly dodge, or promptly pass out, which seems to be my body's preferred safety mechanism. Panic assails me, and I think I'm the biggest idiot ever for putting myself in a place where such a strong fear takes over and manifests itself into my life. Then, I usually distract myself by being hungry, having an errand to run, or actually taking sanctuary under my covers and refusing to face the world. Yes, sometimes I resort to the same method I did use against the boogeyman in the closet back when I was 5. Maturity at it's finest!
The real crux of this unreasonable, irrational, and yet totally overwhelming terror is that it's flowing from the direction of my dreams and desires--all those things I want because I want my life more pleasurable and juicy. In fact, the search for the juice has released an unmitigated flood of fear into my life. It's there, it's real, and I cannot positive-vibe it out of existence no matter how much I've tried. So here I am, acknowledging it. On the other side is the fear of staying where I am, the fear of stagnation and strangulation in a life that is only half-lived. I desire to move forward, but with the boogeyman under my bed, I spend a lot of time frozen in terror and refusing to move forward. In fact, I'd call myself a Master of Procrastination. I'm like a deer in headlights, fumigated in both directions by high beams. Yes, fumigated, because I breathe that shit in!
And as an afterthought to the terror, despair moves in. Not the Nicholas Sparks read-and-weep variety. The despair is quiet, uncertain, needy, awkward, and apathetic. It's like a listless house elf, just sitting there. Once this despair takes over, I could stare at a spot in the wall for hours or spend those same hours walking a dog, shopping, picking my nails, reading a book, watching a CSI marathon run, or posting on Facebook. The despair doesn't move, is not placated, and just continues to sit there like that listless house elf.
I go from boogeyman to listless house elf.
Eventually, my positive-energy generators heat up like a furnace, and again, I'm flooded with the feel good pleasures of the people who love me (and I love), the things I love, and I do all I can to welcome (actually entreat is more like it) pleasure and joy back into the vacuum. And the listless house elf of despair goes back wherever listless house elves go between listless adventures.
Now that you know my secret, would you like me to take you further? I can even show you it in action. You can see the tender exposure of my underbelly and even judge if you'd like! Hell, what do I care? I have boogeymen and house elves to contend with...
I had a good paying career, an education, and a relatively decent resume. But my life felt like cardboard (see the first post). I decided to go on a search for juice, and what I discovered was my optimal life for happiness looked very different from the life I had been living. I tried four different job changes, which I will doubtless elaborate on in future posts, but everything went from mediocre to drab to untenable to downright ugly. I decided never to work for another company again and instead work for myself. So, see here we have an example of the crux I described above. I was afraid to leave the familiar world of working for someone else crossing over the desire to experience the pleasure of working for myself. It should be an easy-to-navigate transition, right? Of course! But it's been a full out ugly nightmare. The terror has swallowed me whole, leaving me weak and listless in its wake. And I've spent a lot of time since then dancing around this odd ecosystem. That is not to say I'm miserable. Quite the opposite. While sitting around listlessly, I developed some of the best friendships I've ever had. I've breathed through pain, fried potatoes in butter, watched clouds meander in animal shapes, fed ducks stale vegetables bought from the farmer's market, and dreamed and imagined what life can be. My life has been infused with more pleasure and joy than I ever knew possible except in this very relevant, very demanding area. Pleasure and despair are not mutually exclusive. They are actually really good at taking turns, and sometimes, they even seem to like to take bets and heighten the stakes.
So to get back to the crossroads of my fear and terror, I have taken miniscule baby steps towards working for myself, and more often than not, when the terror sweeps me, I end up hiding under the covers or in the closet for a while. And I'm getting by, obviously, because I am here typing this. But even as I write this blog, I feel the boogeyman blowing down my neck, with the listless house elf at my feet, following me, waiting to sit in apathy.
So, my life doesn't feel like cardboard anymore, which is beyond priceless to me. My life is full of juice, pleasure, and love. But like I said before, it's not all lollypops and rainbows. I'm just hear breathing, trying to move through the emotions, allowing myself to be inspired and believe this is not something to overcome but instead undertake. And I have awesome people routing for me.
Emotions show up, and they move. That's what they do. And even when we face the darkest of our fears, we can remain committed to joy, juice, or whatever it is we say is worth living for. That's when it's amazing to have people inspire and stand for you. Like this... I mean, check this woman out! Doesn't she just look like one of the happiest women ever?
Bernadette Pleasant, the creator of Emotion in Motion has
developed a safe and sacred day-long journey that engages the mind, body and
soul. Weaving together the use of music, percussions, meditation, and hands-on
healing, her January 4th workshop will create an impactful, life-changing
experience for each participant! You can purchase tickets here or participate in
her latest giveaway. http://bit.ly/EmotioninMotion
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